I feel like in the end I just end up doing a lot of self analysis, neither particularly good or bad but overall frustrating.
I am at odds with myself on a lot of things right now. With very few constants I feel like I'm losing control. Something I value and haven't felt this way in a very long time.
But whatever do I mean?
First of all, blogspot is an ass for not letting enter actually mean 'next line please'. But I digress. Mostly I feel conflicted. I am caught somewhere in the middle of two lives that seem to not only overlap, but the REAL me gets caught somewhere in a circus mixture of the two.
I have my career me: my modeling (even the off color stuff), my video fetish stuff, etc.
And then there's the real me. Most people don't even know the difference, and it's so frustrating sometimes. Even the modeling me is turning into someone I don't even like. I can be manipulative and a real bitch, but its what pays in the industry. Not a bitch to producers or fellow models, but to the fans. There is rare exception. One site I work for actually lets me be a sweetheart even though people tend to think I'm a bit overbearing on there too.
But regardless. I just get frustrated. I feel like the few people who really know who I am are so rare and even they forget. I really am a person. A Lady. I like to be respected and while I might tolerate a little bullshit here and there. Overall, I will kick your ass if you deserve it.
Conflicted. Maybe its because I stopped writing all my bad encrypted poetry. I don't have an outlet, and I hate to always be complaining. Jonathan is the only person who really has the time to hear ALL my bullshit complaints and who wants to spend their entire night complaining?
I hate feeling censored and that's what the internet is, you can either air all your dirty laundry out or you can censor yourself to spare feelings.
I can't stand that.
/rant
Blogspot can be kinda weird... sometimes it works correctly though. You'll get used to it. It's not perfect but it works.
ReplyDeleteI hope this helps you figure stuff out or at least find an even ground.
I, personally, wish we lived closer because I'd love to get to know every inch of your personality and your quirks and explore the differences that you see.
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure who I am anymore--I don't feel like I can rant to anyone either--and while truthfully lots of people would listen to me but I've realized that then people just associate me with complaining. And being sick. And sucking at handling money. And having bad luck.
We shouldn't ever have to hide who we are, yet the internet just makes us hide more. Who knows when that person you're mad at is going to see your post and freak out at you--or even your former employer might see you badmouthing her and fire you.
I like you because you are you. You never lead me to believe that I'm not wanted or not part of the cool kid club.
I feel like there's two of me too. The me that's happy and popular and always having fun and the me that's still the repressed little nerd child from highschool. I'm trying to force my half-self to realize that things are completely different from high school and I don't need to spend every waking moment paranoid. I'm getting better.
I hope things fall into place for you. And I love you lots.
<3 Kat
Hey, first off found you through Megan's blog, haha.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, Jessica you are an epic costumer and gorgeous model, but there are a lot of epic costumers and gorgeous models out there that I won't nothing to do with because of their bad attitude. A big part of the reason I love to give you kudos all the time is because I have gotten to know the lady behind the costumes to some extent and have seen you as a really sweet and cool person. I don't only see you as someone I am a fan of, but someone I enjoy being friends with.
I know it's tough balancing a personal and public life in the Con/Costuming Community, but do know that at the end of the day, you do have people who genuinely love and respect you :o)