Fetish Modeling isn't that different from Cosplay Modeling. It is possible to be both

A lot has been on my mind lately in relation to different facets of my life. I find that a lot of 'cosplay models' are shitty to those of us that also branch out into the more adult world of modeling and more so are shittier still if we use our costumes. At the end of the day, I am not a whore, I am not a money grubbing bitch, I'm not an asshole, I'm a capitalist.

 Yes. I like to make money.

 I use social media to do so. I use my costumes and my friends in costumes when available to film silly movies of weak women in distress or being 'abused' and tied up in bondage to struggle and monopolize on the fact men can be sadistic and totally want to see Wonder Girl cry her eyes out. And I am smiling with every sale.

 I also help run a company that pays ladies to get naked and in contrast to the peril videos it highlights the strength of the woman, her courage to show her body and be proud of who she is. The company is built up on the ideal of a 'Goddess' being a completely attainable goal for a woman. Women SHOULD be proud of who they are and their bodies, but they shouldn't be made to feel bad if they like to go beyond boudoir photography.

 This 'haterade' stems mostly I feel from people that don't understand the fetish model persona. Sometimes, with most things, you have to play the game to make money. That means that if a dude buys my nails or pays for my pedicure you'll see him referred to as slave, sub, or something demeaning. That isn't because I view him as lowly, hell I'm fucking tickled pink that I got my nails done, BUT the reference to him as a servant, a pay pig, a wallet is truly for HIS benefit. That's what he's really paying for, the feeling of servitude to a woman he finds beautiful. That's what drives his sexual fetish.

There are also plenty of dudes that see ladies refer to men this way and they begin to think we are all filthy gold diggers. I get it, yes it can come off that way. Most of us are pretty awesome though. Do you think I treat my husband like shit? Do you think I'm rude to every person who emails me? Hell no. Typically I am very sweet and genuine in my emails to 'fans' or whatever you want to call them, and try to answer each one when I have time. I'm very honored to be a geek and be able to make money in this industry. I was an ugly duckling so yes, part of it is a huge self esteem boost, I would think it is for a lot of gals in my situation. Who doesn't like to hear they are pretty? I still blush and turn away whenever my husband tells me so. I'm a sensitive flower DAMNIT.

I guess it boils down to don't judge a model by her social media. Don't slut shame her because she calls someone a sub or a slave and gets her nails paid for by strangers. Don't be upset if she flaunts things she gets from her wishlist or post her wishlist, she's doing her fucking job. She's working while you are bitch, she's making money while you whine.

Now, is fetish modeling 'persona' abused? Are there gold diggers? Hell yes, in all walks of life you have people looking for something for free. Look at the 'cosplay models' who post their wishlist and aren't offering a service (ie most fetish models return the favor with photos or video or something as a thank you, most costumers just post about it on facebook).
However, I don't really have an issue with them, if someone wants to buy them stuff? LET THEM. They aren't spending YOUR money!

But I have digressed a bit. What I truly need to get off my chest is that 'cosplay models' need to simmer down. We aren't 'fake nerds' because we make money using our costumes for fetish (or hell sometimes pornographic) purposes. If that were the case your geekdom would fall every time you cut a tit window or showed off your cleavage. This isn't a competition over who can slut it up the most and still keep their geek cred. This is a community remember? Home for the wayward and the dorky, the nerdy and the geektastic. We shouldn't be such ass pockets. You ladies need to realize that fetish models aren't trying to take away your comic books (well yeah there are some of them out there who couldn't tell you a damn thing about comics and are trying to weigh in but that's another story) but you need to realize there are always going to be people who are just here to ride the wave, shake their tits and then they will move on. In the meantime you are isolating and vilifying some pretty rad chicks who just so happen to be naked on the internet.

Calm your tits ladies. We aren't the enemy.

Introspect

I'm having a rather unfortunate introspective night. One of those nights where you pull out the skeletons from the closet and you want to shake them and scream that you weren't Nothing to them, that your time together must have meant something! But the skeletons remain silent. It would only induce drama yourself. We don't write the emails with the words we are thinking nor do we send the text messages saying 'I was thinking of you' to our exs. It's not that you want to be with them, or that you would change how your life is going. I am very blessed to have a very wonderful life, and a great marriage. But sometimes the scars creep out and I want to shake people from my past, friend, exes, lots of people and cry wanting to know why I don't matter to them. It isn't that I want them to love me....it's that the pain of being cast aside and forgotten has erupted and the closure was never obtained. The lack of closure is painful and monsterous and grotesque. The ever prevalent questions of why someone still sits in your mind if even brief and they can't even remember your name suffocates me from time to time. Many of the ghosts simply need to be forgotten. Most days they are, most days the ghosts stay dead...but other nights. Other nights they creep out and those fingers dive right into my chest, clamoring for my attention. I can only pray that one day the scars fade, the pain is not for nothing, and I will wake up tomorrow remembering I am stronger without those that tie me down and though I struggle against their weight; I become stronger in the war.

Dolly Eyes

Waiting patiently for my first pair of new sponsored circle lenses to review. Very excited about that!

Fandom Can Drive Ya Nuts

Okay, so I'm NEW to Harry Potter fandom. I saw most of the films when they came out, but not really interested in anything beyond that. It hit me like a sudden wave of awesome and not only did I make Jonathan watch the movies for the first time, we have developed epic level nerdcore fandom over it. I have become a sponge trying to learn as much as I can and finding favorite characters. Unfortunately I have run into some people I would consider fandom asshats.

Why do people get this way with fandom? First of all, people who have been in a fandom long enough or even not very long but longer than the 'new person' are assholes. They are no it alls and go out of their way to 'prove' their knowledge or to make the new person look stupid of to catch them not accurate in a fact. Now I can understand if said new person acts like a no it all, but if they admit they don't, or are new, why are you giving them such a hard time? I mean, shit, this is fucking adults acting like little kids about who owns what character. It puts me in a foul mood and instead of dealing with it in a 'let it go' fashion like I would like to, I then look for instances to quietly show the assholes up, because there isn't a damn thing I do that's half assed. I don't care if you can speak parseltongue, I will make you look like shit in your cosplay.

And I hate to get that type of attitude. I really do, because I hate cosplay rivalry, atleast at the level it is at. However, I know I'm competitive and when I get set off then there is no going back, and honestly, it takes some of the fun out of the whole thing.

I think its a bit fucked up when people act like you are taking their fandom away from them, or that you are stepping on their fandom toes because you like the same thing. People are going to like the same things, the same art, the same outfit, and it shouldn't be about who does it better. Very rarely are people getting paid to be the best, and even those getting paid aren't always the best. It should be about community and fun, not the small cliques we find ourselves in and the competitive game we fall into.



/rant.

Maybe I Shouldn't take Psych

I feel like in the end I just end up doing a lot of self analysis, neither particularly good or bad but overall frustrating.
I am at odds with myself on a lot of things right now. With very few constants I feel like I'm losing control. Something I value and haven't felt this way in a very long time.
But whatever do I mean?

First of all, blogspot is an ass for not letting enter actually mean 'next line please'. But I digress. Mostly I feel conflicted. I am caught somewhere in the middle of two lives that seem to not only overlap, but the REAL me gets caught somewhere in a circus mixture of the two.

I have my career me: my modeling (even the off color stuff), my video fetish stuff, etc.

And then there's the real me. Most people don't even know the difference, and it's so frustrating sometimes. Even the modeling me is turning into someone I don't even like. I can be manipulative and a real bitch, but its what pays in the industry. Not a bitch to producers or fellow models, but to the fans. There is rare exception. One site I work for actually lets me be a sweetheart even though people tend to think I'm a bit overbearing on there too.

But regardless. I just get frustrated. I feel like the few people who really know who I am are so rare and even they forget. I really am a person. A Lady. I like to be respected and while I might tolerate a little bullshit here and there. Overall, I will kick your ass if you deserve it.

Conflicted. Maybe its because I stopped writing all my bad encrypted poetry. I don't have an outlet, and I hate to always be complaining. Jonathan is the only person who really has the time to hear ALL my bullshit complaints and who wants to spend their entire night complaining?
I hate feeling censored and that's what the internet is, you can either air all your dirty laundry out or you can censor yourself to spare feelings.

I can't stand that.



/rant

Entry 1: Why Do You Need A Blog?

In all honesty. I probably don't. But I like to rant. I like to update my life and figure even if no one else reads this, its a great way for me to look back at the end of each day and see what I have done. Plus its a great place to post progress photos and things as I work on new projects. I might even expand and discuss some of the modeling I do! Wouldn't that be neat!



But I probably won't delve much into detail on that. I'd like to keep this a 'real' blog, more about the real me that the perceived me. Consider this the Clark Kent blog versus the Superman one. I might describe woes or issues, or even bad poetry.


All in all though. I have a fantastic life, wonderful people in and a fantastic family and fiance. This is my life.